Committees

Today, as I enjoy my Christmas vacation and filling up my energy tank, I thought about my blog on my  Balancing Project.  I think right after September, my school year got very busy.  I had my first formal observation (that requires lots of paperwork), and then right after that was Halloween, then it was report card time, then parent-teacher conferences, then Christmas.  I feel like once I had a break, something else was lurking that required more of my time.   So, I neglected my blog, obviously because I can't balance!

Since my husband works late hours, I feel like a single mom during the week.  My daughter is on a swim team, and she has practices 3 times a week.  She also does volleyball once a week, and a girl's club that meets every 2 weeks.  My son's clubs all meet after school, so now that he is in middle school, I don't have to worry about him as much.  After his clubs, he can take the late bus home, or get a ride home from a friend, so I don't need to worry about getting him, since I am still at work.

In my teaching profession, I now need to keep an on-line portfolio of ways that I contribute to my school community.  First, this is so ridiculous because I have to remember to take pictures of everything I do that is considered a contribution.  So, last year, since I forgot to take pictures of many of the things I do, I did not get credit for the things I inputed.  So this year, you would think I would had learned from my experiences, but I haven't.  Part of me doesn't care.  Part of me thinks it's so crazy and ludicrous.  I visited a student of mine in the hospital- am I supposed to ask someone to take my picture with  her?  I donated clothes to a clothes drive we were having- do I take pictures of myself handing the bag over?  I eat lunch with my students- am I supposed to remember to take a picture, when it can be so busy helping these little guys bring their school bought lunches to my classroom?  Frankly, if my school district doesn't believe me, then part of me really doesn't care.  I am humble in the things that I do that help the students and my school, and it's out of character for me to take time to take a picture.  And another thing...not only can I be humble, but I can be disorganized.  Half the time, I don't even know where my phone is, which is my camera nowadays.

So, why I included the above in this balancing project entry is because I have taken the decision to be off of all teaching committees because I just need to focus on my students and my classroom and teaching, and then my own children and husband.  (Being on committees is a huge bonus for this on-line portfolio).  I just can't do it all.  And because of budget cuts, more and more of what used to be considered administration work, has now fallen on the hands of teachers on committees.

When I first started teaching, I was on every committee.  I loved it!  I didn't have kids, and I had all the time.  In WA state, I was on the staff development committee, the HEART committee, and I was my school's K-2 literacy facilitator.  Being on all these committees required lots of time, outside the classroom.  Because I was the literacy facilitator, I had to train new teachers how to use our school's book room, and train teachers how to give reading records and reading assessments.  On the HEART committee, we met with teachers who needed help before the CSE process.  On the staff development team, I had to work with other teachers on this team, and present to the staff on different teaching methods with our Math program and  Reading.  We did a lot of staff development on Math and Writing in those years.

So, now, I just don't have the time right now.  I can't do it all.  I am just struggling to keep up with all that I do in my kindergarten classroom.  I take pride in the activities and projects my students do with me, and I really put in a lot of time in my classroom.  Typically, I don't leave my classroom most nights  until close to 6:00, depending on my daughter's swim schedule for the day.   My daughter is able to walk from her school, to mine, since they connect.  And I do feel guilty that my son is home alone until I get home.  Since my husband works until 7 to 8 most nights, I feel like it's me who has to make dinner, and then drive my daughter to her activities.  Life is just busy right now, is this part of my life.

So, writing this today, I am getting off my chest a couple things:

1. That I feel guilty that I am not more involved with my school that I teach at.  I put over 100% of my time into my classroom.  Outside my classroom and with school activities like committees- I just can't do it.  It doesn't make me a bad teacher, and I just need to get over it.
2. I feel like sometimes I have to give up my "career" to help my husband's career.  Even though I  have a career in teaching, I have to sacrifice time out of my classroom, to help with things at home.  Or if one of my own kids is sick, I am the one who takes the day off and makes doctor's appointments.  Not that anything is wrong with any of this.   Really.  But, this process of having pressure to join committees, just so teachers can add this to their portfolios, is wrong. (And maybe it's just me who thinks this)  I feel like (and this is my perception)  administration may think I am not a good teacher, since they never see my name on committees or they don't see me at school board meetings, presenting on different topics.  Well, I'm here on my blog to say that it's because being a mom will always be more important to me. And because I don't have the luxury of  having my spouse helping me with after school activities.  And being a teacher, and a good one, takes time.  I always have so much work to do in my classroom, and I hold high expectations of myself as a teacher to my students.  Now, I work with other teachers, who are moms, who are on committees, and honestly, I don't know how they do it all.  Some people can do it all, or maybe they have spouses that can help more at home.  I just know, that when I feel overloaded, I am like a time bomb.
3. So, writing this today...I am releasing the guilt.  I don't need to get all the extra points from this on-line portfolio, that will be added to my "teacher score."  Last year, I did just fine with submitting things without pictures, and not including any committees.  I still was graded as "highly effective."  It's the work I do with my students that count.  I don't think you can take a picture of every single thing you do:  make a student smile, giving that student a chance to answer a question, giving that student of yours a hug because they need one, helping a student at lunchtime, or zipping up a jacket, or tying a shoe.  Or the emails that I write to parents, or the extra time I spend at school to change a learning center?  I don't think  you can even measure a teacher in this capacity.  So, I release the guilt.  

I am not a bad teacher because I don't have time for school committees.

June Cleaver

Last year, I was in my school's library, talking to one of my favorite co-workers, Nicole.  Nicole was due to have her baby soon, and we were talking about childcare, and returning back to work after having a baby.  I shared with her my experiences of my son's first daycare, and how he was only there for one day.

Here is what happened:

My son was born in August, and my neighbor told me that she would love to watch my son when I went back to teaching after Christmas.  I worked part-time that year, so my son was only with my neighbor in the mornings.  When my son started to walk, my neighbor confessed that she was nervous to take him back that next Fall,  so I spent most of that spring and all of that summer  looking for the perfect daycare.  I visited this place called, "Kindercare" and I liked it.  I observed the facility that summer, and I would drop my son there for "test" little visits.  He would be just 13 months old.

My first day of school, I dropped him off for his first day at Kindercare.  I was still working part-time, so I would be picking him up at noon.  Kindercare had a breakfast program, so I decided my son would eat breakfast there.  When I walked into the center, no one was there to greet me.  I immediately felt nervous and scared for myself and my son.  It just seemed too big.  When I walked into the breakfast room, all the babies, toddlers and kids were in this one big room.  Someone showed my son where to sit, and I noticed that they gave him a bowl of cereal and a spoon and they put it in front of him.  My son was a big baby, and daycare workers assumed he was older than the 13 months he was.  He doesn't know how to feed himself.  That bowl of cereal is going all over him and the floor in 2 seconds!!!!  I sat down next to him, and fed him his breakfast.  I left, so upset.  Not only did anyone realize that  my son was only 13 months old, but no one was there to comfort me, since I was a mess dropping off my baby in a real daycare setting.

I went to school and cried in my staff room.  I was having a real hard time leaving my son, when I didn't think he was getting the best care.  I will always be grateful to Erika- she was on our school's PTA.  She was a  mother of 4 sons, and the nicest women you would ever know.  She immediately offered to watch my son.  I was so grateful for that moment.  My son only went to that daycare for that one day, and the next day, I sent him to Erika's.   Erika would even bring him to my school when I got out, since she was always volunteering.  She was my lifesaver.

But as I sat there with Nicole talking about daycare, I blurted out, "You know, sometimes I wish I were a women in the 1950's- where I could just stay home and that's what would be expected."  After I said it, I realized that Nicole could counter with a feminist comment.  But, to my amazement, she agreed.  "I know!"

I know that I was fortunate to go to college and then have a career in teaching.  I know I am VERY lucky to even have a job teaching.  In my 18 years of teaching, it has always been a competitive field.  This year alone, my district had 4 elementary opening, and there were over 1,400 applicants!  It's always been like that.  So, I am very honored and lucky that I even  have a job in teaching, because I know many people would like to be in my position.  And, I do what I love.

But, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be June Cleaver.  Be that perfect, well-groomed mom, with the perfect house and the perfect bedside manner with her kids.  Back then, it was just fine and dandy to be a stay-at-home mom.  If you worked outside of the house, or even went to college, it was probably out of the norm.

I am glad that the feminist movement came, and both women and men are treated as equals in the workforce.  But I think when all of this happened, that is when women thought, "I can have it all."  And, after doing the Balancing Project for the last month, I can probably honestly say that I don't think there's any such thing as "having it all."  And with this shift, women may be expected to work, to parent and do everything they did in the 1950's, on top of working and maintaining a full-time job.  This is where it gets tricky.  You have to  have a husband from the 2000's to say, "I'll help with all the June Cleaver duties, so you can be successful at your career too."

And I thank my lucky stars everyday for my husband.  Because he does make life easier for me.  Since I started the Balancing Project, I communicated with him my needs that day I cried and was "nesting" before school started.  We agreed that he would clean the bathrooms, since he is good at it and I am not.  I told him I would do laundry and vacuum, but could you please clean our bathrooms???   I smile when I hear him cleaning our bathrooms, without even me having to remind  him.  Without the reminders, that is when I know I am lucky.

Live in the Moment

This week, my GYN called me to tell me that my  vitamin D was so low, they called in a prescription of Vitamin D for me to take two times a week.  Really???  So, there was a legit reason why I was so tired?  It wasn't in my head?

It's summer (well start of still), and isn't all this vitamin D supposed to be just going through my pores with sun exposure?  And, I always forget my sunscreen, so I should be topped out with Vitamin D.  I am so thankful for that blood test, because when your body doesn't have enough Vitamin D, one of the things that happens to your body is that you are easily tired and fatigued.  So, I'm thinking getting this extra Vitamin D will help me with my Balancing Project.  And thank God I'll be taking this into the Winter when there's NO sun...

Last week, I had my first full week of teaching.  It was a LONG week.  I am lucky LUCKY LUCKY to have such a great group of kindergarteners, and I have no real major behavior problems like I have had in the past.  One little girl likes to challenge me.  One little boy needs motivating, and two girls like to chat and seem clueless when I am near to them, making eye contact with my "mean" look- they seem to both look at me, keeping their conversation going, even though I have stopped my teaching to wait for them.  So, it was a week of lots of modeling, lots of patience, and lots of TESTING.  I am so sick of SLO's, Dibels, I-Ready...I feel like this year is the worst.  I mean, come on, my 4 and 5 year olds are taking a bubble test already!  It's bad.  So work was a little stressful in that I just need to do what I have to do, because this is how teachers are being evaluated, and my students need to take these tests, so it shows that they have grown (these tests are the baseline).  I can't wait to start Daily 5 and do centers, and the fun stuff.  Right now, it's procedures and tests.  I came home on Thursday, exhausted, and went to bed at 8:00.  I woke up the next day, refreshed and so happy my sniffles and stuffy nose seemed to have gone away overnight.

Meanwhile, back at the home front, things seemed to go smoothly.  My son started soccer last week, so while watching his game, I chatted with an old friend, who I never see anymore.  And guess what we talked about???  Balancing motherhood and working!  My friend Sue owns her own business, and while she loves her business, she was telling me how she love to make pottery and even has her own studio in her basement.  I love that she has this passion, and told her how lucky she was to find something that she loves doing.  She is busy with 2 kids too, and when we do see one another, it's like no time has gone by, but we blame our busy lives for the reason we  haven't seen one another.  While talking to her, she said something so simple, yet true.  "You just need to live in the moment."  How many times do we actually live in the moment?  It seems like I'm always thinking of what I have to do in the future as I am living in the present.  Or living in the past.  But she is so right. Hearing these words  changed my views on how I perceive balance to even be...  Balance is living in the moment.  When your daughter wants to sit and read a book with you- you do it, and don't worry about folding laundry.  When your daughter wants to bake cupcakes- do it, instead of going on-line.  Live in the moment.  Being balanced, you have to live in the moment.  I  learned that from my friend Sue this week.

As my family was walking in our village to get lunch, we decided to go antiquing afterwards.  We live in such a nice, quaint village, and sometimes I think we take it for granted.  It was a nice Fall day, and the kids weren't all that happy to be on this outing.  They wanted the lunch, but not the window shopping after.  So my son says to us, "When are we going home?"  "What are we doing after we go into this shop?"  "Now are we going home?"  Finally, I said to him, "Live in the moment.  Look around you and just enjoy your family and this walk we are going on."  I don't know if my son understood what I was saying to him, but as I said this to him, I was starting to understand it all.  I think we don't have balance because we are always rushing, rushing rushing.  Live in the moment.  That's part of the balance too.

First Week Back at Work

This week was my first week back at work.  Here is a review of how things went:

Monday- Labor Day.  Had the day off.  Made a mad dash to the grocery store, went to "5 And Before" to buy some more things for my classroom, and cleaned up the house.  Campfire in our backyard to end our summer, but then a big thunderstorm came and rained on our parade, and our fire went out  before I wanted it to.

Tuesday- First official day back to work.  In the morning, listened to our superintendent talk about teacher evaluations, common core and district expectations and test scores.  In the afternoon, had a staff meeting at my school.  Came home exhausted.  Had to buy a diet coke with caffeine at work to not fall asleep.  Took my son to his middle school orientation.  OMG- how will he know where to go, what books to bring to his classes and when to go back to his locker?  Will he be able to open his locker?  A Day, B Day, C Day, D Day- Really????   How will he keep track- everyday he has a different schedule.  Big Breath.  He'll be fine, I'm sure.  But I'm not.

Wednesday- Kindergarten orientation.  Meet my new students, had to give a 30 minute presentation to parents about the kindergarten program (ended up only being 15 minutes, since there was no time left, and I ended up  talking too quick and acted like I was on Speed or something), then the afternoon, had a training on our new reading program.  Again, had to buy a Diet Coke to keep me awake.  Came home exhausted.  I write on my facebook page that I need a cleaning service- does anyone know a good and reliable housecleaner?  This is huge for me, since I like to be in charge of my housecleaning.  But, this is a year of balance, and if I buy myself a little treat, this could be it.  I don't get my nails done, don't like coffee, so  no coffee habit.  The only lavish thing I do for myself is I get  my hair cut and colored every 2 or 3 months, and I seem to buy a lot of shoes.

Thursday- No meetings at work, but just time to get our classrooms finished up and planning for the upcoming weeks.  Actually left work when I can (at 3:30- I never do, usually it's around 5:30), and I made plans to go to the Maroon 5/Kelly Clarkson concert with some of my best friends, to celebrate the end of summer.  This was BIG, since tomorrow was the first day of school for our students in my school district.  But, I knew I wouldn't sleep good, because I never do on the eve of the First Day.  It was a great night out, something we had planned, so we all went.  While at the concert, my son who is entering middle school, kept texting me.  "Where is  my bus information?"  "Where is my map of the middle school?"  "Where is all the paperwork from the orientation from this week?"  I felt guilty that I was at the concert with friends, when I maybe should be home helping the kids get ready for school the next day.  Thinking to myself, why doesn't my husband know where all this is?  Confirming the fact that I am the one that is in the know about the kids' activities.  I still had fun at the concert, am happy I went, because I actually went to bed peacefully and slept through the night since the concert tired me out.

Friday- First Day of school for everyone!  Riley goes on his bus at 6:50.  He is so big now, I realize as he gets on the bus and I am so thankful that he waves to me from his bus seat and gives me a little cute smile.  He knows that I am worried about him, that I love him, and that if he waves and gives me a smile, it will make me happy.  I love this kid so much.  My daughter is still sleeping when I come back to the house, and I quickly talk her out of the outfit she laid out (when I was at the Maroon 5 concert), because it's the craziest outfit, and if I'm going to take her picture and put it on Facebook, all my friends will think I'm nuts.  I tell her that I get to pick out her clothes on the First Day and on Picture Day, and she is OK with that (Thank God) and she tells me she will wear crazy clothes on Monday, which is fine with me because there won't be any pictures that day!!  Since her school is on the same campus as my school (that's a positive for me), she can come to school with me.  She helps me in my classroom, as I put finishing touches on things and organize myself.  She walks down to her classroom, and I give her a big hug.  5 more minutes, my own students are coming in.  I am so thankful that  none of my new students are crying---YES!!!!  When my new students cry, I want to cry right with them.  I am feeling so lucky that I have 18 mature and wonderful students, and I can tell the first 30 minutes with them that I will have a fantastic year- yay- no behavior problems!!!!!!!!   I have a great day with my students, Maggie joins me in my classroom afterschool, I have an unexpected meeting at 4:00, stay until 5:00, come home to my son, who has been home since 3:30 (this is new- him home from school without us) and I am delighted that our best friends want to have dinner with us.  We eat, laugh and don't leave the restaurant until 10:00.  Our kids and their kids totally engaged with each other.  Us, laughing and catching up about our week.

Today, Saturday:  Just vacuumed, haven't called the cleaning service references on my facebook pages yet (am I putting this off?) , stopped at CVS to get my prescriptions, stopped at Urgent Care to do blood work that my doctor wants.  I was suppose to run in a 5K with my husband this  morning, but thought my daughter's piano lessons started back up again this week (today), but I guess not, since her teacher never came, and my husband called after the race to tell me that she was running in the race too!!  So, I totally messed up that!!  GRR.  Thought I was balanced this week...


Things that worked for me this week:

• My husband was integral this week to my balance.  The night I went to the concert, he got lunches all ready, and put the kids to bed at a decent hour.  He even made dinner one night for us.  And sent me flowers to my school on my first day with my students.  
• My night out to Maroon 5- we had it on our calendars, and we all stuck to going, even though 5 of us had to go to work the next day.   Schedule free time in advanced, and you will be more likely to do it, and not cancel.
• Being Organized at work- I have spent a lot of time getting organized at school, and that has been so helpful in keeping my stress levels low.  Next week, I will need to focus on planning AND organizing, since the first day was just on Friday, and it was a lot of me teaching the kids procedural things.  
• Having dinner with friends on Friday night- My friend and I are convinced that if you do something really fun on Friday night, your weekend seems to be longer.  So we are talking about doing something every Friday so we have longer weekends.  We'll see if we feel like that on Monday morning...

Things that didn't work for me:

• Messing up the 5K this morning.  I was supposed to meet some friends and run with my husband, but then realized Thursday night that my daughter had piano and both of us couldn't leave the house, since her teacher comes to our house.  But then, I messed it all up.  Since her teacher never came, her lessons must start back up again next Saturday.  That made me so mad that I messed that up.

This week, I am feeling OK about working and being  a mom and wife.  It was a short week, with only one day with students.  Next week, will be tougher.  I can get through it.  One day at a time.  Remembering Jessica Alba's words, it's all about my attitude.  I can do this.

Definition of Balance

First before I start writing today, I just wanted to share this quote I read

"If you're married, your spouse is likely to be on the receiving end of  your fury."  Dr. Catherine Chambliss

Yesterday, I was stressed about going back to work soon, going through this nesting period where my house has to be cleaned before I go back next week, and having all these emotions come out that I need more help from him.  Believe me, he's a great man, and I'm lucky to have him as my husband.  He does help out a lot.  I just think he works so much, and is not home physically to help as much as he would like.

Today, I sit here and reflect on what balancing motherhood means to me.  So here's what my definition of being balanced would look like from the moment I woke up, to the moment I go to sleep.

1. Getting up feeling refreshed
2. Great hair day
3. Waking up kids, and everyone is getting up on time
4. Eating with the kids- husband is long gone to work at this time
5. Getting kids off to school, getting to work on time
6. Teaching at school, having lots of patience, feeling organized at work, never losing anything, I'm on top of paperwork, emails, and parent phone calls.  I find time to collaborate with my peers and have conversations with them.
7. I can leave work and leave work at work.  I try not to bring home work.
8. Being a happy mom and feeling refreshed, I drive my kids to their afterschool activities, make dinner, check over homework, look in kids' folders, read notes from school, conversed with my children about their days, bring them upstairs at bedtime and say goodnight to each of them and talk a little more with them.  If there's time, I go running.  Sometimes this is right after school, sometimes it's when my husband comes home from work.
9. Time to spend with my husband.  He comes home very tired, and he often falls asleep on the couch as I am saying good night to the kids, or as I am tidying up or doing laundry.
10. Since I am not a big TV watcher, I attack household chores as my kids are sleeping.  Laundry, picking up the kitchen from dinner time,  putting things away, organizing lunches for the next day.
11. Time for sleep.  I go to bed feeling relaxed and balanced.

The Balancing Project- Realization

I hate Labor Day.  Labor Day is the opposite holiday for teachers.  For us, we are forced to work, forced to be nervous and overwhelmed. It was this weekend, in 2013, that I realized how much I dread when I have to return to work.

Don't get me wrong.  I absolutely love teaching.  I teach kindergarten, and I have lots of fun all day long with my students.  It is this reason that I dread going back.  I LOVE my job so much, that sometimes I can be consumed with it, and that's why I get anxious each and every Labor Day weekend.

Each summer, I enjoy the non-scheduled days that I spend with my 2 children, who are now 11 and 9.  They are still at an age where they want to hang out with me, and we spend a lot of time together.  This summer, I even took them on a 4 day  beach vacation, with  just me.  It's nice to have the whole summer off where I can do that (my husband doesn't  have that luxury, and plus he's not a big beach person).  So, I spend a lot of time with my children.  I know they will be getting older, getting summer jobs, getting boyfriends and girlfriends, so this time I can be with them like this is limited.  I love spending time with my two children.

But once I start work in the Fall, I become a basket case.  I am putting 100% in my work, come home and try to give my children and husband 100%, but I'm not sure that happens all the time.  

Today, I had a huge  migraine and had to sleep most of the afternoon.  Why?  Probably because I'm over thinking that I need to go back to work.

After I slept off my headache, I was feeling groggy.  I couldn't believe it was already 3:00.  I had left the vacuum cleaner in the middle of the living room earlier, and promised myself that I would finish cleaning all of downstairs once my headache went away.  But really, I wanted my husband to finish it, and surprise me.  The vacuum cleaner was still there, and when I walked into the kitchen, I saw that the breakfast dishes AND lunch dishes were all over the counter, and food was still out.  Not only was the vacuum left and untouched, but the kitchen got even messier since my nap.  I started to clean up, noisily, so  wherever my husband was, he would come in.  

Let me make myself clear here.  I am a kindergarten teacher, and patience is one of my strongest characteristics.  But for some reason that was out of my hands, I was really losing my cool and patience with this messy house and lack of help.

My husband was on the porch, reading.  That made me even more mad.

I waited for him to come in.  "Are you feeling better?"  he asked, I think he asked this sweetly, but I don't remember.

"No, I still feel groggy and nauseous.  But I need to clean this house, and you're not stepping up and helping."  

Whoa.  That set some crazy out of me, and onto him.

"I was going to clean this up later."

It was too late.  I was cleaning up, folding laundry, then walking to the vacuum that I kept forgetting about.  Then I had tears in my eyes.

"We have to get this house cleaned up.  I start work next week, and I do everything.  I get the kids ready for school.  I go to work all day too, you know.  Then I come home from work, make dinner, drive the kids to all their activities, make sure their homework is all done, and then you come home around 7:00, you sit on that couch, eat dinner, and fall asleep.  Do you know that sometimes I don't even sit down all day until it's almost 9:00, when the kids are finally in bed?"

Then my  husband says something to me that makes me fume:  "You do it to yourself.  You don't need to bring your work home with you.  You don't need to  sign the kids up for all these activities.  You do it to yourself."

That made me mad.

Of course, I need to bring my work home with me because I love teaching and that's what a good teacher does.  Of course my daughter is on a swim team, because it's the 4th sport she's tried, and it's the only one she truly likes and she loves it, and of course I will drive her to the pool 3 times a week.  Of course my son will play soccer again, because it's the only sport he likes playing too, so I will go 2 times a week to watch him.  My daughter also wants to try volleyball, and there was a kid class at our local community center- of course I signed her up.  I am a good mom, and that's what good moms do.  We expose our children to lots of activities to make them well-rounded.  And these were activities they liked, so I wasn't dragging them there.  

So, here we were.  Fighting.  And maybe we fight once or twice a year. 

I cried today, in front of him, because I need help.  I know once work starts for me again, I can not be that balanced wife, balanced mother that I am in the summer months.  I don't think it's fair that both of us works, and we both work hard at our jobs, but why does everything fall on me?  I realize he doesn't get home until later, and I know that I am responsible for driving the kids to their activities, and for making dinner.  But, I come home tired too.  I don't have luxury of sitting down until the kitchen is cleaned, chores are finished, and kids are all in bed.  If I were a stay-at-home mom, I wouldn't be complaining.  But both of us work, and I feel like I'm doing so much.

Labor Day weekend is hard for me.  The change of schedule is hardest.  I have anxiety tonight, because I don't know if I have it in me to do this balancing act, yet again, another year.  How does once achieve balance?  Is there such a thing?

Is there some secrets, some tips that will enlighten me this year?  Can I make another year work, where I am working full-time, and having to work full-time at home?  Balancing life, husband, work, friends, health, a household- how does a woman do it all?  

This will be my year journey.  I plan on researching, talking with others, and finding what works with them.  Finding balance seems to be every woman's conquest- we are always trying to strive to find just the right enough.  Enough work/ enough family time.  In all the years I have been a mom, I only found balance 2 years, and that's when I was able to teach part-time in a district I used to work for, before we moved to the East coast.  I also want to make it clear that when I was a stay-at-home mom for one year, I don't know if I had balance that year either.  I needed work, because I missed teaching.  I hated that I wrote down "stay-at-home mom" as my job on paperwork...wasn't I more?  So now that I am teaching full-time, it's too much job.  Never enough balance.  It's like a see-saw;  trying to always find enough so life is calm and still like that see-saw.

Today I realized that I need balance.  As I cried in front of my husband, trying to clean and "nest" before work really starts next week, I realized that I'm afraid to go back to work, not because I dislike it, but because I give myself too much at work, and not enough at home with my family.  Maybe I'm wrong, and my kids and husband and friends would differ.  But that's how I feel.  The see-saw is definitely wobbling.